not sure if i need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
*standing at the wedding alter*
spouse: i do
An Atheist and a Christian sit down at a bar. They both knock back a few drinks and enjoy each others company because they aren’t pretentious assholes.
my goal for this summer was to get hot and i already wasted two weeks damn i better get on that
Nothing’s better than starting your period the day after a break up. I needed to physically feel like shit instead of just emotionally. Thanks Mother Nature.
Sometimes I’m like “sleep is for the weak”
Sometimes I’m like “sleep is for the week”
There is no in between.
someone telling me to calm down when I was already calm unleashes a fury that not even hell can contain
Today in science we learned that you can never gain cold, you can only have an absence of heat; and it made me think that maybe hatred doesn’t exist, and there’s only an absence of love.
this is the realist shit I’ve ever read
You’re so deep, I can’t even see you right now.
one time i got a sample from the tea store at the mall and as i walked away the guy said “tea you later” and then his coworker smacked him
I talk a lot of shit for someone who panics while ordering food at restaurants
she wants the D
her teachers are concerned
why doesn’t she want the A
in grade 8 i did a power point presentation on “whooping cough” and my opening slide was a photo of whoopi goldberg coughing and i was the only person who laughed at it and i couldnt start the presentation for like five minutes because i was laughing too hard at my own joke